Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
