were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
