gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's always time for handjobs
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
