I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
