Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
