god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
