I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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