I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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