brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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