My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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