genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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