she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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