Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
