when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
