Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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