Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
