i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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