i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
