I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
this beer tastes like vomit already
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
