that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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