I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize