he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
