hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
