There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
