I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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