Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
