I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
