thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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