just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
