I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
