My first STD was from a foam party
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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