i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
