I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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