I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
