Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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