Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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