dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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