totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
