im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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