My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
