well I can't set my house on fire every night
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
