just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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