On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
bring money and cleavage
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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