There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
