Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
