remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
