an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
