Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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