I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
