in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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