I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
