When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Too much gin, very little bucket
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
