I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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