i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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