I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
