as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
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