On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
