You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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